The Midnight News 04.14.03

Posted By Hyatte on 04.14.03

Do I really need a teaser here?

BOOM

IT’S ME!! CHRIS WILLIAMS!!! THE JANITOR COULDN’T GET OFF WORK IN TIME SO HE’S STILL GONE!!! I’M BACK AND I FOOLED YOU ALL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

No, really… IT’S DAVE GAGNON!!! I FOOLED ASHISH AND WIDRO AND I’M BACK WITH CANADIAN RANTS!!!! IT WAS ME, WIDRO!!! IT WAS ME, ALL ALOOOONG!!!!

No? Fine…

How many times is this whole dissappearing/reappearing thing going to happen? I know Flea and Grut are pals of you-know-who, so I'm not trying to step on any toes here, but his act is getting a little tired.

Some Wiener…

No it’s not, dipshit… and I have the numbers to prove it. How’s life up CRZ’s ass? Lotta room or does his girlfriend’s penis keep shoving you into his lower intestines?

It shouldn't be Hyatte. He comes back more than Big Vis at a Vegas Buffet.

Twould be a letdown on a "Mr. McMahon was the Higher Power" scale....IMHO. I think Hyatte's on/off works have been a disservice to the site in that he does have fans...but then goes away when he feels the need to....well....whatever he does. Shit like that makes 411 look like bush league. We're number one, dammit. Treat your writing spot as such.

That’s from Big Mike Watters… 411 forum moderator.

What’s this “we”, white boy? The 411 forums are pretty much known as the WORST message board system online… that’s because the moderators… YOU… have your fucking heads up your asses. 411 isn’t bush league, but the forums spend every day trying to change that…. Stop worrying about the writers who bring the audience in and START FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT RUNNING A SMOOTH SYSTEM THAT’S NOT A LAUGHINGSTOCK!!

Got something else you wanna say? Me and the forum people have never been too tight… even though I introduced half of you monkey shits TO that board. Go ahead, toast me… no one will read it. They can’t stomach the forums.

Oh, and to that one poster… “BadBoy”… who’s STILL crying like a bitch because I dared dis some clown named “Mansion Fan” a YEAR AGO AND NOT ONE TIME SINCE… let’s see if you like to shoot your mouth off now that I’m back… do it enough and I’ll tell the whole story right here in the column and we’ll let everyone see what kind of faggot you really are. Punk ass.

My name is Chris. Welcome to the Midnight News. You folks miss me? 5 months ago I walked because I had things to do. Now those things are more or less cleared up and I’m back. That’s the story and that’s all you need to know. Everything else is between me, God, and my parole board. Got that? Good.

It’s gonna take me a while to get back into the groove… so bear with me while I get about re-setting the table here…

WHILE I WAS AWAY…

I learned two things…

#1: Even Net Gods… charismatic, magnetic, confident, smooth ass studs like myself, will lose their women if they’re gone long enough. They will go ON with their lives… move along… continue to exist without you. I had three pull that on me over the last 5 months. One of them was just a pipe dream, one I really didn’t want anyway, and the third… well, the third one was sort of special. Ah well.

#2: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING fucking changes online. No one grew. No one developed as a writer. No one took a chance. It’s depressing how frozen in mediocrity you cats are.

Except for 411… which became the mania… and who’s writers really stepped up to the plate and delivered the goods. I mean, losing me was a blow… but then Eric S bailed for a while. Jesus, poor Widro must have been so mad he would have killed CHRIST… um, again… if he had a chance. Plus, they had FUN doing it… you can tell a lot of these guys are enjoying talking about MUSIC and MOVIES and GAMES and COMICS for a change… it shows.

And Josh Grut… Christ… funniest writer on the net. Period. He’s the talent here… I’m just a douchebag hack.

And Eric... you’re not the best at your particular milieu. You can’t be. No one around is smart enough to even TRY to compete with your type of column. Can’t be #1 if you have no competition.

I’m sure Chris Pankonin had a new news column ready to go for Monday… sorry, kid… but you knew you were just keeping the seat warm for me. Thanks for filling in.

Thanks to ALL the 411 kids for covering for my ass. Without you guys, the forum boards would be a GLARING mess.

That out of the way… let’s get to the real shit…

WILLIE THE WORKER & DAVEY THE SCHERER

Old news by now… but it’s new to ME!!

So 1bob, feeling the pressure of being the #2 site now… and with Pop-Up free and almost Pop-Up free Observer and the Torch breathing down their necks, decided to get people talking about something OTHER than how they suck…

So Dave Scherer gets an e-mail from a guy CLAIMING to be a WWE Superstar who has HAD IT UP TO HERE!!! (my hand is right up near my chin) with the way Vince runs his show… and wrote a column about it.

The column WAS SO WILDLY SUCCESSFUL (as is EVERYTHING on 1wrestling, according to Dave on a semi-regular basis) that he wrote another one… again to rave reviews…

Then ANOTHER one…

Speculation ran HOT AND FURIOUS BY CHRIST!! I was still trying to get used to having a good night’s sleep without having a shank under my pillow at the time, so I wasn’t around to comment. And dave could only sit back, light up a big fat penis… er, I mean cigar… and say, “I don’t know WHO he is, or if he’s even a worker… but he damn sure SOUNDS like one and… well, even if he WAS one I couldn’t say… ahem… because he’d get in big trouble because EVEYRONE reads 1 wrestling despite the pop-ups and Wade Keller couldn’t DREAM of this sort of luck… but he isn’t a worker… well, maybe he is… I think he may… oh, no, I can’t say that…. Try to read between the lines, stupid”. Basically, and Dave now denies this with his typical Scherer-rific vehomence, he implied that it was a worker and he can only be found there at 1wrestling…

So, one week later, and hackers being so good at the gig… word got out that someone hacked away and traced Willie’s yahoo e-mail addy to Rob Van Dam. It seems that ol’ “Willie” forwarded a few yahoo e-mails to RVD’s AOL box… and didn’t delete the sent items. Further, I have heard that the hacker also found e-mail correspondense between RVD AND Dave… which makes Dave a liar… again… as usual.

Of course, this being the Internet, none of this could be proven. SEEING e-mails in Willie’s mailbox is one thing, taking them out and sending them to guys like me is something else… and very illegal.

Now, Dave has recently announced on his Net radio gig that Willie is no longer writing for 1bob because Willie didn’t like what a 1bob columnist wrote about him and demanded that he be thrown in the shower with Bradshaw and a can of Crisco! (My God, he IS a worker!). Dave, who’s motto has always been: 1wrestling = FREE SPEECH, NO MATTER HOW HURTFUL THE TRUTH IS, told Willie no. Willie bitched and walked. Dave announced that he never, ever, even ONCE thought Willie was a real worker because Dave knows so much and has so many contacts in the business that he’s practically “Dave McMahon”, and he caught onto Willie’s lie right away!!!

My sources insist that Dave was just covering for RVD… because word did get out that it was RVD and both he and Dave decided that he best bail before he gets caught. I’ll bet one of my lungs that the word “dude” was used two dozen times during that particular e-mail exchange.

Meanwhile, with speculation running wild, who should show up at the A1wrestling message boards (and there’s a site who’s owners apparently went on a power trip of epic proportions while I was away… but I’ve always said that the Ruggerio boys were swimming in an OCEAN of self-delusion) but Mark Madden, who decided to act like HE knew something about all this:

fans of the msg board on my old website will remember someone named the "night writer" -- who claimed to have worked for two of the three major wrestling companies -- that posted the occasional column. other posters spent much time trying to figure out who the "night writer" was, and a few did guess right, but there was never a definitive consensus.

as you try to figure out who "willie the worker" is, consider the following:

1) who benefits most from the hits generated by an actual "wwe worker" badmouthing the company on the internet?

2) which workers, if any, are intelligent enough and verbose enough to put together a well-structured, decently-written column like the two "willie the worker" columns posted so far?

3) which workers, if any, are cronies with dave scherer?

4) does an "insider" column which consistently rips wwe help, in theory, nwa/tna, a company bob ryder works for?

5) what wwe workers would benefit most if bashing the creative process led to an overhaul of the creative staff?

expanding a bit on question no. 2, most workers are dummies who can't string two coherent written words together. that fact shortens the list of suspects a great deal. all this, of course, begs yet another question:

6) who cares?

i'm looking forward to all of you thrashing after the answer like carp chasing bread on a spillway. i once lived to entertain you. now you live to (marginally) entertain me.

love, mm

p.s. -- i already know the answer. which brings to mind another question:

7) who does madden still talk to in wrestling that works for wwe but wasn't on the card at wrestlemania?

Poor Mark… from the Torch to Nitro to WWA for one show to a message board on a site that’s just a menu for other sites… why, if he didn’t make a million a year for his radio and newspaper gig, he’s be PATHETIC!!!

Moral of the story… it’s all HHH’s fault.

And Dave lies… badly… and often… and often badly

HER FAME IS SKYROCKETING!!!

Don’t cry for poor Joanie Laurer… she scored a highly sought after guest starring role in the premiere two hour episode… or at least she STARRED in it, seeing how it ran yesterday… of Hunter… which NBC is carting out as a return series for some unGodly reason. In it, Fred Dryer (Hunter) dates Joanie for a while, then dumps her for a girl with a real working vagina and not the fake one that Joanie had to have grafted on for Playboy.

When asked about the role, Laurer said: With Fred Dryer’s influence, nothing will stop me from getting the lead in Wonder Woman now!

Reach for the stars, kid. (Kid? She’s like, 38, isn’t she?)

SOILED SHEETS (and a REAL song parody)

Actually, since I left, my Torch subscription ran out… I may get it going again, I may not… all depends on my mood. The last issue I got had Bruce Mitchell fuinally showing up with a long, VERY rambling column about… books or something… basically he wriote it to brag that he almost landed a deal to write a nasty WWE tell-all… (but, I thought SCOTT KEITH already took care of that? You could tell, Bruce was filling up the space BIG time… just writing something because he hasn’t written a word for the sheet for a while and felt he needed to.)

But I still want to discuss some stuff I’ve seen on the Torch… which, by the way, crashed harder than one of my pick-up lines over the weekend. I guess even the “eternal flame of wrestling TRUTH” can get snuffed out once in a while, eh? Heh, heh heh heh, HA HA HA, BWAHAHAHAAAA I STILL GOT IT!!!!

Anywho… about the Torch I can only say this: To Derek Burgan, you are a nice guy and I like you. You’re friendly, funny, and great to talk to. I believe you when you say you’ve never read a Mop-Up. You’re very cool.

But please… don’t ever think for a minute that… that… oh forget it. You’re too nice.

But Pat McNeil can go fuck his fat ass.

This guy, Pat McNeil, along with a meal, has never missed writing a column for the Torch sheet, not once in the one year subscription I had did he chill for a week. He was always there, always writing.

Plus every week, he wrote his two or three columns for the site. Every week, without fail.

Most people would say GREAT!! Most might say: Well, at least he doesn’t skip out of his web duties like YOU, Mr. Glorydog ASSHOLE!!! Yeah well, I got me a life… or some serious debts to society that I had to pay… look, YOU TRY WRITING A WRESTLING COLUMN WHEN SOME BROTHER NAMED SHANAQUO KWARM IS JACKING INTO YOUR ASS WITH A LITTLE 10W-30 FOR LUBE OKAY!!!!

Anyways… the problem with Big Poppa Prolific Pat is that he has never added ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE to his so-called “serious” columns. Every week, several days per, he writes and he writes and he writes and has NOTHING to say. Nothing fresh, nothing interesting, usually something ridiculous. The man brings NOTHING to the table. Nothing. Zippo. Zilch. Nada. This paragraph you just read brought more to your life than a year’s worth of McNeil’s stuff.

And that’s his serious work… when he tries to be FUNNY… you want to stick your head in the oven… which brings me to this:

Last year, before I was sentenced… I offered McNeil, and EVERYONE, some very simple advice on creating a great web column… I hoped that my track record allowed me such an audacity. To wit:

And by the way people... ALL OF YOU... please, listen to me on this one time. I know, I know... I suck and have no real talent myself... but please... heed my words this... one... f-ing time...

ahem.... SONG PARODIES THAT YOU CAN ONLY READ DO NOT FUCKING WORK

Get me? Song parodies are for RADIO... because you have to HEAR THEM... if you have to READ them... they are completely POINTLESS and totally the OPPOSITE of getting anywhere even NEAR amusing. They do not WORK STOP IT, YOU DUMB FUCKS!!!

Here's another one... ready?

ahem... MOVIE AND COMEDY PARODIES THAT YOU CAN ONLY READ DO NOT FUCKING WORK

Those are to be presented VISUALLY... on a SCREEN... with rassler's ACTING OUT THE SAME MOVES AS THE PEOPLE THEY ARE PARODYING. That is the ONLY way to make it work. NOT IN WRITTEN TEXT!! NOT AS A FUCKING SCRIPT!!!

Helps if you have a smidge of comedy IN you too... but not always.

Jesus... I have to explain EVERYTHING to you fucking losers

See? Calm, cool, collected. Just some friendly advice from the King to his wannabes.

Then I went away. And McNeil saw something on TV, came up with a “brilliant” idea, and decided: Screw Hyatte, the Torch fans will eat this UP!.

So he decided to “parody” American Idol and run a… what looks to be 20 weeks and counting bit called Internet Idol where YOU FANS… you brilliant, hilarious, funnier than Robin Williams on meth fans will contribute YOUR OWN WRESTLING song parodies and McNeil will judge them… him being the MASTER and all. The winner gets… well, I don’t know… the winner gets to be in a PAT MCNEIL COLUMN!!! Whoo fucking Hoo. Maybe they get a copy of his god-forsaken (and located nowhere near any legit bookstore) book? Who knows?

So it’s screw Hyatte, huh? Hyatte doesn’t know what’s funny, huh? Hyatte doesn’t know what the fans want anymore, huh?

Okay… then I guess I’ll just have to show the moron McNeil just what a song parody SHOULD look like… if he REALLY HAS NOTHING IN THAT LITTLE BRAIN OF HIS to put into one of his many columns that Wade would just DIE if he didn’t post regularly… then I’ll just have to one-up him again. Okay, Pat… you pushed me to school you in this arena too? Fine, you got it.

The following song parody is set to the great Bob Seger song Like a Rock. And yes, it’s about wrestling. You readers read this… and I guess, play the song on your stereo, if you have it… umm…. Or sing along in your head… I don’t know… I can’t offer any MUSIC TO GO WITH IT BECAUSE SONG PARODYS DON’T WORK ON PRINT YOU DUMB FUCK.

I hope you know the song… it’s used for those Chevy truck commercials.

Here we go:

Like a Rock

Triple H

Always number one

Wants to be famous

Wants to be McMahon’s son

He’s got a great body

Never made girls laugh and run

Like My Cock

He’s thirty five

Hated by the net

But he don’t care

‘cause he makes Stephanie wet

Never forced to

Be a black man’s pet

Like My Cock

Once posed for pictures

Doing things pretty gay

Puts steroids in his veins

Stays in the gym all day

He’s good looking and rich

For sex he doesn’t need to pay

Like My Cock

Like My Cock, Touching sweaty men

Like My Cock, Might have fucked a hen

Like My Cock, Aroused by Joan Chen

Like My Cock

In Twenty years

Hunter will be a blimp

Bloated and fat

The bad leg will make him a gimp

All those steroids

Will make everything go limp

Like My Cock

And will Hunter wonder

When he lies awake at night

He had it all

He did everything right

So why did everything whither

And shrink out of sight

Like My Cock

Like My Cock, Standing five inches straight

Like My Cock, Never kissed by a date

Like My Cock, Black guy’s ass was it’s fate

OH… OHHH

LIKE MY COCK, USELESS PIECE OF SKIN

LIKE MY COCK, GIRLS WON’T TOUCH IT FOR A FIN

LIKE MY COCK, LAUGHED AT BY OSAMA BIN

LIKE MY COCK, OH LIKE MY COCK!!!!

There… YA HAPPY NOW, DOUCHEPAT??? SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO???

Ugh… nothing ever changes on the net… never. It’s amazing.

Heh.

WORDS OF WISDROM

And what do the top brass here at the mania think of my return?

Well, Ashish has yet to say hello to me… hasn’t said a damn thing to me… not a word. He on his death bed again or something?

But Widro… on the other hand:

Hyatte1com: Good news Widro, I’ll have the news back up and running next week!!

Widro: Great!! Because we can’t LIVE without you!!

Hyatte1com: Okay, then I’ll just stay away if you prefer. Have a nice day.

Widro: i'[m just drunk, dont be grumpy

Hyatte1com: no problem Widro. You happy with 411 being Scott Keith Central and not much else. Then by all means, bank the farm on just one pony

Widro: you are all pissy

Hyatte1com: I'm in a great mood

Widro: wahhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hyatte1com: oh, this is SO going in the first column

Widro: hyatte sucks donkey balla

Hyatte1com: How long before it's "Excuse me, Mr. Keith, but could I wash your penis now?"

Widro: i dont even talk to him that much

Hyatte1com: I know you don't... he's very annoying in extended conversations. I've heard that from a lot of people

Widro: a lot of people are annoying in extended convos...

Hyatte1com: yes they are... I know one guy who, get him chatting long enough, starts whining nonstop about how overworked he is

Hyatte1com: why are you drunk? Widro's private demonstration against war with Iraq?

Widro: the war is bullshit

Hyatte1com: the war is necessary AND overdue

Widro: its hilarious to me that fucking retarded bush talks about how america is a peaceful nation yet we are proactively starting a war

Hyatte1com: what does Scott think of it? I'm sure he has told you how to think on such matters.

Widro: actually no

Hyatte1com: GWB has had enough of the vicious treatment of the Iraqi people. I don't care WHAT Barbra Streisand and Martin Sheen think

Widro: bullshit, he had enough of ruining the american economy and needed a war to boost it up and lower gas price

Hyatte1com: what's wrong with lowering gas prices? I know you New Yorkers ride cabs and subways, but some of us common folk actually need to gass up our OWN cars

Widro: the rest of america is irrelevant

Hyatte1com: not California... where our top celebrities are to show us how to behave

Hyatte1com: not Florida, where our hottest college coeds like to get drunk and fuck people on MTV

Hyatte1com: not Ohio, where many of our top web writers live

Hyatte1com: not Florida (2) where many of 411's top writers hang their hats

Hyatte1com: Hyatte 1 -- Widro 00

Widro: yeah hyatte 100000 widro 00

Hyatte1com: yes

Yes… he’s such a little muffin ass.

And can I please advise all of you writers out there to PLEASE refrain from using AIM chats with Widro in your goddam columns please. Widro doesn’t know why he’s funny, but he THINKS he knows why. It takes a deft touch to properly present him. Please… DON’T MESS WITH WHAT I BUILT!!

This all started when Scooter fucking Keith used a chat with Widro to recap something or another… it was a disaster of epic proportions. Boring, miserable, endless. Scott keith proves on a daily basis that he is not funny… PLEASE DON’T BE INSPIRED BY HIM.

Aw hell, while I’m on the topic…

TONIGHT… IN THIS VERY NEWS REPORT (Prelude)

What follows below is my review of Scott Keith’s book. He might like it, he might not. If he doesn’t like it, he will go complain to Widro about me. Widro will then come to me and ask to lay off. This cycle will repeat itself many times as I have quite a few things about Scooter that I want to goof on. The people seem to like it. I do to.

Widro might be tempted to put his foot down… only because Scott might put HIS foot down and make an ultimatum. The ultimatum will be: Either Hyatte or ME… he better lay off or I’ll WALK and take the “Smarks” with me!!

I will say this now for all to read… Scott can and will throw as many fits as he likes… he can make as many ultimatums as he wants… it doesn’t matter. He’s bluffing.

He’s full of shit. He ain’t going to let me drive him away from the CUSHIEST WEB GIG he ever HAD!! He’s a writer on the net’s #1 site where the owners let him do WHATEVER HE WANTS because they think HE MADE THE SITE #1. Yes, he was a big part of it, and YES, if it was down to him or me, even I would take him (That Hyatte is too damn “flaky”)… but NO, 411 is NOT huge because of Scott Keith… it’s huge because of Scott Keith, and Chris Hyatte, and Eric S, and Josh Grut, and Flea, and Jay Bower, and Ashish, and Widr, and PK, and Daniels, and Gamble, and Pankonin, and Blake Norton, and Clara Flynn Boyle, and You, and EVERYONE ELSE. I have worked TOO DAMN HARD helping to make 411 a big site even WITHOUT me around. I told Widro to hire Eric, I gave Flea and Grut a forum to introduce themselves… fuck, I told Widro to ABSORB THE SMARKS!! (well, to make Scott’s ego relax, I told Widro to offer a site melding… equal partners et al… you all know what eventually happened.)

Scott can and will throw a little temper tantrum and it won’t matter. Where would he go? Online Onslaught? Jesus, you can open your window and scream out a column and it’ll reach more people than whatever The Rick posts. It’s so bad over there that one of his writers has to troll through message boards and remind people what the name of his column is and where they can find it (he also is apparently DYING for me to talk about him). Scott won’t risk that, nor will he risk opening up his new site just to see exactly how many readers he REALLY pulls in (and he does draw… but does he want to really see what he and he alone draws, because you KNOW most of the “his writers” will secretly beg Widro to keep them around).

Scott wants to be a star. He wants to be the next Dave Meltzer. He wants everyone to talk about him. Well here’s a newsflash, son… that’s exactly what I’m doing. Take the good with the bad, it’s all part of this “fame” business you’re so desperate for.

Now… since I just showed you all (and Pat McNeill) how to do a proper song parody, if you HAVE to do one, now I’m going to show you people what a “rant” REALLY looks like… get ready.

TONIGHT… IN THIS VERY NEWS REPORT

I wasn’t sure if I should review Scott Keith’s new book: Tonight… In This Very Ring because I’ve made no bones about what I think about him. I don’t like him and he don’t like me. He’s a shmuck and I’m not.

But, while I was away I managed to take a peak at my e-mail box… and caught a letter from Ashish & Widro sent to all the 411 writers. In it, they told “us” where to go to get a free advanced copy of the book before it came out.

Apparently, the writers did something, or said things… so Ashish sent out ANOTHER E-MAIL:

Guys,

Common now, use a little common sense please :-) When you email the guy for the free copy, let him know you plan to do a review of the book in your column/report, whatever. It doesn't have to be a big review, just a few positive words. Give the book some positive publicity in your writing so that we can help Scott get as many sales as possible. Thanks.

-Ashish

It was then that I made my decision to review the damn thing.

Now, keep in mind here that the letter above is not a bad thing. Ash was simply trying to help one of his prize draws. No problems there… all publishers do it… all movie studios do it too. It’s Ash simply trying to provide as much advertisement as possible. It’s not wrong.

But ohhh, did it piss me off.

You see… I bought the book specifically for this review, and I looked through the book. NO WHERE does Scooter acknowledge 411. He’s been here a year… a FUCKING YEAR… no, he acknowledges that dead ass site The Smarks—a site that has been dead for YEARS before Scott finally got the hint (I should know, I wrote for it for all of three columns). Now the smarks.com jumps to Don Becker’s miserable blog site. Ash encouraged all that publicity for NOTHING… 411 was dicked by a chubby Canadian… right up the ass.

Anyway… I’m about to review it now. I’m going to be fair about it. Truth be told, I don’t care if Scott becomes the next Stephen King in terms of success. I’ve got my own life to lead, I have no time OR INCLINATION to comment on others… especially his. You are going to be surprised at just how fair this review will be.

Tonight… In This Very Ring: the review

The first thing you notice is that it’s big and glossy and cheap… only $20. You also see on the cover that it’s subtitled: A Fan’s History of Professional Wrestling.

Then, as soon as you hit the Introduction, you read that the author is not really a fan anymore. He admits that the subtitle is a lie. Keep this in mind as I will be discussing it further.

Over at the acknowledgments section the first sentence is “Much props to my homies, yo.” He also mentions “The Scotsman”. None of this helps tell the new reader that this will be a professionally written book. It’s more than likely going to tell the new reader who never heard of Scott Keith and just wants to check the history of wrestling that this book is more or less written by a moron.

But that’s fine… no, really.

He condenses the entire “history” of wrestling (1963-1993) in 9 pages… 8 really if you take into account that the first and last page is cut in half. Thus, again, the sub-title of the book is misleading. Before we get to chapter 1 we learn that A: he’s not a fan and B: He didn’t bother researching jack shit about the business until he began “ranting” about it online. In short, the author is saying: Wrestling didn’t matter until I started writing about it. Already, the “new” reader might start regretting his purchase. But at least Scott took care of all that up front, so the reader just casually looking through it in the bookstore will know what he is about to buy.

He also provides a glossary or terms, to make sure the uninformed knows what the hell he’s talking about. He also lets the “Scott Keith Fan” know that all his funny bits are here… “the (Insert Move Here) OF DOOM” and... and… um… well, no one has EVER called Scott Keith the “funniest writer alive”, hell… Widro could only call him “witty” and that’s when he’s in full ass kissing mode.

Now we get nto the meat of the book, which is a year by year, era by era, big event by big event, recapping of the WWE… all easy to read and digested into just a few pages per chapter. Every chapter is filled with “witty” Scott opinions and “fun” Scott facts. He even introduces the “new” reader to the famous Scooter Star ratings. Sandwhiched in the middle of the book is a few pages worth of full-colored pictures, so you can take a break from all that reading and enjoy shots of YOUR FAVORITE (not his, YOURS) stars in action. Each picture has a small “witty” caption, compliments of the author, to make you smile.

Basically, the book is quick, easy to read with large fonts so you don’t have to strain your eyes, and well paced. It is an exceptionally well-written book.

But… who is the book aimed for? Who does the publisher sell it to? I guess one of two types of people: Fans of Scott and new wrestling fans eager to learn.

Okayyyy… now this is where the book becomes a piece of shit. A piece of shit OF DOOM

First… fans of Scott, thus net fans… people who are online and read him on a regular, or semi-regular basis… basically YOU. This is the book YOU should own.

Why? There’s nothing in it that you don’t know. You haven’t learned anything. There is nothing new here. Scott didn’t do an ounce of new research for the book. He didn’t try to interview current or former WWF wrestlers/agents/writers/ring boys for ANY fresh incite. It’s all based on what he watched on TV. Which he recapped already.. which you can read here in his Rants Archives. Oh, I’m sure it’s all RE-worded… but who knows, I never checked. If I DID anyone wanna bet I couldn’t re-print about 80% of the book here… for free? Anyone?

Do you REALLY think he reviewed all those matches and re-*’s them? Your ass he did. For the Scott keith fans out there, you essentially bought a cut and pasted book that you could have downloaded for free. For free. I’ll say it again: For Free

Nah, this book must be aimed for the NEW wrestling fan. That’s the ticket.

Problem with that is… where are they? Second problem with that is… they didn’t get an objective look into the history of the business, they got a recap from a guy with NO credentials (where did you go to school Scott? Where’s your degree? What did you major in? Why didn’t you brag about them in the “About the Author” sectgion of the book? Oh, there is none. Why not, Scott?), but who has no problem spending page after page making horrible-to-the-point-of-not-even-being-witty jokes about how lame the buisiness actually is these days. In fact, the book and the author does everything he can to TURN AWAY NEW FANS FROM THE BUSINESS. Oh yes, wrestling sucks, kids. Go watch Hockey instead.

This book, well written as it is, is nothing. It’s fluff. It’s a waste of time. There’s nothing in it that’s new. The Scott fan should feel cheated. The new fan should be turned off. I have it on GOOD authority that Scott was paid $6’000 up front for this (he’s smart enough to know not to go for a royalty check when there won’t be much royalties coming in) and is asking for $10’000 for his next one. Hey Scott, would it kill you to get off your fucking ass and actually using the money to go INTERVIEW someone? Try a little RESEARCH?? You half-assed it… AGAIN… and THIS was the book you PROMISED was going to put the memory of that Buzz on Professional Wrestling fiasco to rest. This was the book that would let SCOTT KEITH’S TALENTS SHINE… finally. This was the book that would PUT YOU ON THE MAP!!

It did. You are now the town of Lazy Hack, Rip-Off Writer, Canada. Congrats.

If I thought a lawyer would accept it… I would try to sue Scott and Citadel Press for untold damages on behalf of all the trees that died for this waste of goddam paper. The shelves are already over-stuffed with pointless books. Thanks for taking up one more space that a writer with maybe a little talent (Josh Grut) could’ve had. Thanks, Netsuck.

Oh, and for an afterthought, none of what I wrote is new. Three years ago I wrote an entire And Another Thing challenging someone out there to this.

Poor bastard.

What? I thought you liked it when people talked about YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU?

HYATTE ON HYATT

This site is selling a Missy Hyatt porno. There are pictures… hot pictures.

I don’t care anymore. From now on, the mission of this column is to get me some Missy Hyatt. I don’t care. I like sleaze. I’ll die of AIDS. My dick’ll fall off. I don’t care. I want it. Someone think of a way I can get Missy. Now. BUT PLUGS

Has been canceled. I’m sorry. There is too much damn content at the mania for me to sift through.

Instead, I offer you something new…

FROM THE DESK OF SIGMUND FLEAD

He treats his “Ryder Fakin” shtick as if it was his personal Mop-Up… “A’ve done it to death Hi-8. The shit’s dead, hyuck!”

So, I asked Flea for something new.

Now, I didn’t mention Flea up top because he earned a solo round of applause. While I was away, he not only took up MY slack, but then took up Eric S’s slack when Eric had to split for a’while. That’s three columns a week from the boy… all of them were of the highest quality. Flea, who I carried for a year, has simply become the… and I mean THE most original writer in the IWC… and also one of the hottest shits I’ve ever had the pleasure of talking to over the phone at 3 o’clock in the morning. No matter what time, the man is always on.

My only problem with Flea is while I was gone he told all my women about what a c*cksucker I am… haven’t seen any of them since… asshole hillbilly.

He wanted off the web… so Widro gave him his very own corner of this new 411 E-mail newsletter thing to call his own. Almost every Saturday, you get V.I.FLEA… or whatever he calls it… I prefer that one.

If you miss Flea… you can still have him (HOMOS!!!) simply by registering. It’s that easy.

One of the things Flea’s doing in the e-mail is a gimmick called Flea Advice. Since I want content from him and he wants readers… he’s agreed to send me a sample each week for promotion. This being a semi-big occasion, we’re running three.

FLEA ADVICE:

I'm here to answer all of your questions!. Feel free to submit them at ryderfakin@aol.com.

So here we go…

Question from a nice girl in the Chicago area…

Flea, Should I move in with my SO (significant other) after a mere four months of dating? Moving in would entail moving six hours away. (lucky for me my job has a site there)

FLEA ADVICE: Of course you should! How will you find out how WRONG you are for each other unless you pull the trigger now? Of course, if it IS true love, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. the job is the most important thing - nothing sours a relationship more than one of the parties either not working or absolutely refusing to work. A majority of relationships breaks up for the sole reason of money (or lack thereof) so be thoughtful enough NOT to move into the house and embed yourself on the sofa. Good luck!

Rick Karboviak in Cooperstown, ND writes, So, you're doing an advice column? Okay then, here's a question: I'm currently in a town in the Midwest, a small rural town, that has hardly any people left in it (it was almost 1500 in 1980, now down to 1100 and seems to be shrinking). I work in a small fitness center as the trainer here for pretty much everybody who walks through our doors. I'm also coaching 2 sports on the side and have another PT job, yet the wages are so damn low I can hardly make it on all those jobs combined.

Trouble is, I'm the MAYOR of this town, trying my damnest to push for better economic development, so that everyone's wages will rise up a bit to stable status, instead of scraping-by status as it is now. I grew up in a town nearby the one I'm Mayor of (I won the election last June, I'm the youngest mayor at the age of 25, in the state I live in, as well as the youngest in the town's 120 year history). Hundreds of people around my age, in their 20's and early 30's, have left this area, and probably will never come back until better things start happening economically.

I'm in a quandry of either staying here and scraping by to hopefully make things better in the next couple years, to bring back more people and some new ones, or do I leave like everyone else has, and move on professionally somewhere else? I either have a chance to make some history, or make some money. Which is the more important route to take? Stay or leave? I'm checking out options elsewhere, and have sent resumes and such out to a few places. I just don't know what to do here.

And, no, I'm not shitting you, either. Honest to God, I'm a 25 year old mayor. This might be a good advice question to kick off your column with a bang.

FLEA ADVICE: Well thanks! NO AMOUNT OF MONEY is cooler than being the fucking Mayor, so at this point, I would stay where you are. If you are serious about changing things, put your nose to the grindstone and make a difference. Trust me, people will LOVE you for it, and therefore, you most likely will never have to pay for ANYTHING, so long as you stay popular and do people right. Of course, if the townfolk end up voting you out of office, I would most likely get out of town. There is nothing worse than a bunch of fucking ingrates, especially if you have to live near them. And I'll look you up if I ever make it out that way. What are the chances of you arranging a parade in my honor. SEE! NOTHING is more cool than being the MAYOR. Except maybe the Mortician. All the best to you and maybe I'll swing out that way someday!

Now here’s George: Flea, Is it impossible to keep a friendship with someone while always having your guard up?

FLEA ADVICE: Impossible? Try dealing with Hyatte. haw!r

My guard is up for a REASON, champ! This heart has been trampled on one too many times. No more… now I do the trampling, goddamit!

Well, it’s been a long column… but we ain’t through yet… because I have ANOTHER guest star on board to make your lives worth living…

NOSOUL OH MIO! MICASA ES SUCASA!

Erik Ashley, once known as “Vizh” and once known as “NoSoul” once ran a site called ScoopTHIS which pretty much was a one of it’s kind type of deal. (Wrestlecrap has never and will never come close to the quality STc had in it’s prime). It was a pretty big site… and very influential. To date, no other site has even tried getting all the top IWCers in one chat room just to see what happens… they did it, many times. It’s also the first site which pissed me off enough to start my first flame war. Sean Shannon came second.

Now, I wrote for the site for a time, (and where I produced some of my best Mop-Ups ever, in my pinion), and while Eric and I had our ups and downs (and at least two feuds, one of which I never really had my heart into) he did send me a very nice Christmas e-mail… which really came at a time when I needed some luv. So we’re cool now. He’s a good guy, unfortunately he’s Canadian.

Anyway, Dusty the Fat Bitter Cat, who also wrote to me recently and has since kept up a nice correspondense, had in his possession some fresh, brand new “SuCasa” material that NoSoul wrote for him… but he couldn’t use for whatever reason.

SuCasa is, for those who don’t know, a parody of Mike Samuda’s very old “MiCasa” news updates… which he used to do years ago before he woke up and went ahead with his real life, leaving that glom king Rick Scaia hanging out to dry! Did I mention that I always liked Samuda? SuCasa was one of my favorite features on STc and Dusty was nice enough to let me have these… he was “sure that Eric wouldn’t mind… hint hint, wink, wink”. (I don’t know IF they’re the same guy… they wisely never shared and I’m sick of wondering. It’s going to his/their grave.)

So, to wrap things up.. a little treat for you old school net goons out there… and an introduction of sorts to you new kids… I’m happy to present:

SUCASA:

WWE Steve Austin is getting nothing but positive reactions backstage. Everyone is saying that he is the same old Steve; and that all the bad publicity hasn't changed him at all. To everyone's relief, he is the same outgoing, foul-mouthed, wife-beating alcoholic he always was.

Many backstage in WWE were said to be very embarrassed by the company's recent involvement with the Girls Gone Wild pay per view. Several wrestlers have admitted that they do not want to be involved with the softcore porn content in any way, as it lacks the element of murder and necrophilia that is essential for them to be taken seriously as professional entertainers.

The Pittsburgh-Post Gazette has an article online with comments from Kurt Angle regarding his neck injury. Angle admits that he needs to have two vertebrae fused, and also reveals that he will need to have two more fused at some point in the future, as well as have a metal plate inserted in his left arm, and steel chips fused into each finger. His skeleton will then be laced with adamantium, the first time the process has ever been attempted on a human being. Fans can expect to see a new Kurt Angle - the perfect hybrid of man and machine - in time for Royal Rumble 2004.

Despite the breaking news by 1wrestling.com that Bill Goldberg did indeed sign with the WWE last week, the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter continues to deny this and dismisses the info as rumor. The Torch's Wade Keller isn't swayed by Goldberg's two successive appearances on Raw, either, noting that appearances can be deceiving. "Bill Goldberg will be with WWE when PWTorch reports it, and not a moment sooner."

Our congratulations go out to Tommy Dreamer, who has just been added to the Raw creative team.

The unnamed wrestler standing next to Maven when they were attacked by Triple H on RAW a couple of weeks back is Dean Rolls (also known as Shark Boy). Rolls is slated as hardcore legend Mick Foley's favorite indy wrestler, spending several years training in Cincinnati under HWA's Les Thatcher, and wrestling in many promotions including NWA-TNA and WWA. It's said that management's only concern about him is his lack of MTV Tough Enough experience, which alienates him from the rest of the WWE locker room, and makes him the subject of much ridicule.

Our sympathies go out to Tommy Dreamer, who has just been relieved of his duties on the WWE writing team.

Tazz stated on a recent edition of WWE Byte This that he would undergo an MRI due to chronic back pain. The pain is being attributed to the intense physical NOTHING he's been subjected to over the course of the past year.

Returning from an ankle injury suffered during WWE's tour of South Africa, 'The World's Fattest Man' Mark Henry will be returning to WWE TV pretty soon, to the delight of concession stand operators nationwide.

Hulk Hogan's back has been feeling a lot better since he's been consulting with an alternative medicine practitioner just down the road from his house. He's been wearing a lift in one of his boots to help relieve pain in his back due to his hip getting out of alignment. It is said that this could potentially add another 145-150 years to his career.

It was announced on WWE Byte This that Kevin Kelly, the usual host of the show, was fired recently. Thus begins a NEW ERA for the WWE, which hopes that this change will spark renewed excitement and interest in the product; as well as help turn the company's sagging ratings around.

The word going around in WWE is that Vince McMahon is seriously considering changing the company's ring style so as to reduce the number of "big spots" in the ring, and cut down on serious injuries. Wrestlers should now concentrate on slowing down matches with use of submission and mat-based moves, and steer away from high-flying acrobatics. 'Big Show' Paul Wight was the first to object, citing how this will completely throw off his game -- before openly asking how he can be expected to entertain his fans under these suffocating conditions.

Obscure Wrestling Reference : 411mania.com reader Jason Thorogood of Chicago, Il. writes: In an article on the Chicago Cubs website on Sunday, Sammy Sosa makes a reference to Hulk Hogan. "I'm getting old," Sosa said. That's pretty much it, but while he didn't directly mention Hogan, it was obviously implied. Who knew Sosa was a wrestling fan? Wrestling rules!

NWA-TNA

Things are really starting to move forward for Jerry Jarrett's NWA-TNA promotion. Early indications are showing significant increases in PPV buys, specifically in the month of March, and even more specifically at Jerry's sister Loretta's house, whom the Jarretts recently convinced to start buying the PPV - almost doubling TNA's weekly audience. More importantly, Loretta is said to be very pleased with the product, and is showing no signs of tuning out anytime soon - which may allow the company to consider re-signing Scott Hall for at least 2 more appearances, maybe 3.

Glen Gilbertti's stock has certainly risen in the last two weeks, delivering solid promos and surprising almost everyone with his great delivery and effectiveness in that role. He closed last week at 2.39 below 90-day moving average resistance 2.51.

If Jerry Lynn is the glue that keeps the X Division together... Bob Ryder is the glue of the TNA office, and can often be found being sniffed by Raven.

On last week's broadcast, NWA-TNA passed out American flags to everyone in the TNA Asylum to pay tribute to America in support of US troops in Iraq. The company was able to recollect 75% of those flags on the way out, but asks that the remaining 25% of the audience that did not return their flags please do so within the next week, as they are rentals.

Midget wrestler Todd Stone was contacted through the TNA office to be hired as a leprechaun for a huge St. Patrick's Day bash in Nashville recently. Erik Estrada - of "Chips" fame - was at the party, and was said to have absolutely loved Stone's performance. Upon hearing the news, TNA creative director Vince Russo began laying the groundwork for an extended Estrada World Title reign that he says will finally put the company on the map, and attract the attention of mainstream media worldwide.

TNA suffered a power loss doing their broadcast recently due to a sudden power surge. Nonetheless, TNA officials will not be investing in a backup generator anytime soon, as the cost would naturally be too steep for their budget. The surge damaged one speaker and a production microphone, a setback which forced the company to release one third of its roster.

TNA will soon be adding its own Spanish Announce Team to ringside to help foster the illusion of increasing demand among the Latino audience.

Congratulations to Mike Tenay, who has solidified his spot on Jeremy Borash's "Top Ten Funniest People in the Wrestling Business" list. Tenay's quickness was prominantly displayed during his brief verbal exchange with Glen Gilbertti last week, which resulted in a textbook spittake from Borash at ringside. Tenay joins fellow TNA announcer Don West (currectly ranked #2) on the elite list. Tenay told Entertainment Tonight that he is moved beyond words, and thanks God, his family and the Academy for helping to make this boyhood dream a reality. An induction ceremony is planned for this week's broadcast. Seriously.

A young fan was hurt during a recent NWA-TNA event, when Sandman accidentally dropped a "Raven's Nest" sign on top of him; giving the kid a big gash on his head. TNA officials quickly took the boy and his parents backstage, and treated them to the full VIP treatment, which included : a candy bar and access to the facility's washrooms; two benefits the wrestlers themselves won't get until 2004, maybe 2005. After speaking with the boy and his family, Sandman gradually retreated into a corner and began to cry; some say because he wanted a candy bar too.

(Outdated, but perhaps still funny) Jeff Jarrett and Jeremy Borash will be traveling to Bristol this week for the big NASCAR weekend. TNA will be an associate sponsor of Hermie Sadler's car in the huge Winston Cup race this weekend. Over 160,000 fans are expected to attend. If you like car wrecks - and if you're a TNA fan, you know you do - tune in to this race.

And there you go. I think I could persuade NoSoul (Ashley my ASS!!) to contribute stuff like this more frequently. mail him and give him the encouragement, or just say howdy. Or tell him he sucks.

I’m just about done here… gonna go home. Well, I am home. I mean I’m gonna log off or something.

You know, last year was a bad one for me. Made some errors, screwed up, ducked when I should have weaved, went left when I should have went right. That kind of stuff, but the weird thing is that while real life was dumping out on me, my Internet life was running at an all time high. Creatively I was on fire. I met people, made connections, made plans. Really, online 2002 was my best year.

But it was also one of my worst, so I had to leave for a while. I come back and not much has changed, except for one thing… but if that thing’s changed forever, then so be it. I’ll get over it, fast.

Thing is… I don’t know what I can promise over the next few months. Some columns will be shorter, some will be just as stuffed as always. I’ll talk as much about wrestling as I goddam good and well FEEL LIKE. If I produce columns with zero wrestling content… so fucking be it. It’s my shit here.

See, this is what a lot of other writers don’t get about me. I don’t want to use pages and pages of column to explain why Triple H sucks or how Vince doesn’t know jack anymore. I don’t need to talk about wrestling. All I need, all I want to do is make YOU smile, or laugh on a Monday morning. That’s it. I want to make the worst day of the week more bearable for you… even for the twenty minutes it takes to read this column. I’m just going to entertain you… and I do not think I need to focus on wrestling to do it. Never was an issue before.

Now that I’m squaring things up with the real world, I’m going to be here a while. No more vacations. No more boring ass Internet where everyone’s talking about the same shit and saying the same things. I’m going to get right back to where I was before. Stirring up shit and making grown men (and boys) wince every time I mention them, or their girlfriends. You writers had your chance to take my throne… and only my friends had the balls to even TRY. Dumbasses, it’s clear, you all are INCAPABLE of causing trouble and having some real fun. Too wrapped up in being in the “IWC”. Christ, I’m the #1 IWC guy and I don’t take it a bit seriously… what does THAT tell you?

You had your shot… now I’m taking it back. Try to stop me.

You can’t, you won’t. No balls.

Bend over and take it.

This is fucking Hyatte